a few words from SHEKI MBEKI on UNDER-THONG FASHIONS

I received an email that said, “Sheki, is your bikini line ready for spring break?” All “bikini line” brought to mind was pretty girls queued up to audition for a beer commercial, so I investigated and discovered the world of the shaved pubic area.

They even name the styles. There’s “the landing strip,” “the Brazilian,” and its Jewish varietal, “the Israelian,” which takes the shape of a menorah. But this smoothing frenzy renders obsolete the fine old nickname for cunnilingus, “carpet munching,” because if you shave you get the mug without the rug.

Thus, the search for substitutes. The floor-covering metaphor suggests “linoleum licker.” For those of a classical bent, how about “A Night On Bald Mountain?”

My research led me to another new procedure, anal bleaching. Americans actually open themselves up, so to speak, to hydroquinone, a carcinogen banned in such backward places as England and France, to make their anuses more attractive. I guess people are desperate to have admirers say, “there goes a good-looking asshole,” although I’m sure UPS isn’t thrilled to have its slogan-question, “what can brown do for you?” answered “not a thing, buddy.”

That people who wouldn’t touch a cigarette or eat fatty foods, who work out at expensive gyms, willingly expose themselves to cancer to make a marginal improvement in the appearance of a virtually hidden square inch of their bodies, is an American conundrum. And take note, President Bush, this is a medical service you can’t get in an emergency room. So far.

One day, perhaps, your lover will whisper, “I adore your blue eyes, red lips, plastic breasts, artfully shaved peri-labial area, and your pearl-white pooper.” A six-million dollar woman? Not quite, but too damn close.

Eventually, of course, some of the medically-whitened community may suffer regret and seek to have the procedure reversed. That would make the pro-brown folks at United Parcel happy because the name might be U.P your butt.

Anal bleaching may also have racial implications. After all, what would a black person do with a white asshole? And wouldn’t it look like a cross-section of a Little Debbie snack cake? On the other hand, some black person is sure to take a bath in hydroquinone and turn white. Probably Little Richard.

I’m sure that as I write this, scientists are looking for a way to make unscented flatulence.

-- Sheki Mbeki --

Christmas Dinner at La Merde

I've posted a new one-page play for the Toledo one-page play festival to my home page. To read it, just click on the link below.
http://www.geocities.com/marty_839/LaMerde.html

Sheki Mbeki Says: Uncle George is Watching You!

A few days ago, President Bush said he wanted the FISA law updated to take into account new technology. He explained he wasn’t comfortable having to violate an outdated statute. He preferred to ignore a more current law.

Now the “update” has been passed by a bi-partisan Congress (yes, the Vichy Democrats collaborated again) and it gives the President more than he asked for. Essentially, it legalizes all his warrantless snooping. All he needs is to claim that the communication is “reasonably believed to be overseas." No more annoying courts getting in the way.

Bush is going to have to be very diligent to violate this sweeping surrender to massive invasion of privacy. But I think he’s up to it. The only official outside the National Security Agency that will have to approve a proposal to spy on you is – are you ready for this? – The Attorney General. Do you feel safer knowing that our freedom from unreasonable searches is in the hands of that super-hero of integrity, Seedy Gonzalez?

So be careful what you say on email or on the phone. Uncle George and La Cucaracha make Big Brother look like a wuss.

SHEKI MBEKI on Drug Ads and Another Apology

Drug advertising in wonderland. Restless legs syndrome is a neurological disorder characterized by unpleasant sensations in the legs and an uncontrollable urge to move them for relief.

The newest drug therapy approved for this disorder is Myrapex, a drug that encourages dopamine production. The manufacturer’s website for this TV advertised drug reports these side-effects: pathological gambling, hypersexuality, compulsive eating (including binge eating), and falling asleep while engaged in activities of daily living, including the operation of motor vehicles which sometimes resulted in accidents.

Thank God. I was getting bored with the usual comic side effects of advertised drugs, like impotence and loose bowels.

All this to relieve some discomfort in the leg. Would we really be willing to risk falling asleep at the wheel while speeding to the nearest casino as we inhale a bucket of fried chicken and the dear girl we just picked up unzips our fly?

I’d be willing to give it a try if I could stay awake long enough to enjoy it. Maybe if I washed the chicken down with Red Bull.

Sub-prime mortgage securities update. The AP reported a week ago (July 31, 2007) that “Wall Street resumed its downward skid Tuesday, falling sharply as renewed concerns about soured home loans blew away what had looked like a solid recovery rally.” Since then, things have gotten even worse. Once again, Sheki Mbeki apologizes for pointing out that if you buy securities backed by drek, you’re actually buying drek, a point so subtle it eluded some of our best financial minds until Sheki pointed it out a week ago. Perhaps I’ll kill myself with Chinese toothpaste.

Sheki Mbeki Apologizes

The day after I posted my humorous criticism of sub-prime mortgage backed securities, the stock market fell sharply. One reason, according to experts, is the failure of sub-prime mortgage backed securities.

I hope it wasn't my fault.

--Sheki Mbeki--

The Ballad of Sub-Prime Mortgage Securities

A FEW WORDS FROM PHILOSOPHER AND STAND-UP COMIC, SHEKI MBEKI

Lend money to a dead-beat you lose your money. Lend money to a few dead-beats you go broke. But lend to thousands of dead-beats, people even Tony Soprano wouldn’t fund at 20 percent a week, you bundle-up these rotten (bad doesn’t seem quite pejorative enough) debts into securities (odd name, no? should be insecurities), persuade Standard and Poorhouse to give your bundle of joy a good credit rating (not the triple oy gevalt it deserves) and sell them to the schmeggegie investor community.

They buy the package because the wrapper was so pretty they didn’t bother to look inside. Due diligence becomes “doobie doobie do diligence,” emphasis on the doobie. Now it’s no longer your problem, it’s theirs.

So why shouldn’t an investment bank (say, Stern Bears & Co.-that’s the opposite of Lax Bulls) buy up bad commercial receivables for a penny or two on the dollar, bundle them up and peddle them as “securities?”

Then come bad debt futures. Derivative you say? Damn straight! If the package some schmuck paid a thousand dollars for goes down to, say, ten cents, a wise guy who sold short makes a killing.

And, isn’t it inevitable: a bad-debt futures index. Pool the risk. If one goes down ninety-nine per cent, maybe another will go down only ninety-five per cent.

And who will police this mess? The SEC? Out to lunch. Eliot Spitzer? Sorry, he’s governor now.

Soon, the entire economy will be financed by a pyramid of moronic risks standing shakily on its point. But wait, isn’t that how it is already?

-- Sheki Mbeki--