a few words from SHEKI MBEKI on UNDER-THONG FASHIONS

I received an email that said, “Sheki, is your bikini line ready for spring break?” All “bikini line” brought to mind was pretty girls queued up to audition for a beer commercial, so I investigated and discovered the world of the shaved pubic area.

They even name the styles. There’s “the landing strip,” “the Brazilian,” and its Jewish varietal, “the Israelian,” which takes the shape of a menorah. But this smoothing frenzy renders obsolete the fine old nickname for cunnilingus, “carpet munching,” because if you shave you get the mug without the rug.

Thus, the search for substitutes. The floor-covering metaphor suggests “linoleum licker.” For those of a classical bent, how about “A Night On Bald Mountain?”

My research led me to another new procedure, anal bleaching. Americans actually open themselves up, so to speak, to hydroquinone, a carcinogen banned in such backward places as England and France, to make their anuses more attractive. I guess people are desperate to have admirers say, “there goes a good-looking asshole,” although I’m sure UPS isn’t thrilled to have its slogan-question, “what can brown do for you?” answered “not a thing, buddy.”

That people who wouldn’t touch a cigarette or eat fatty foods, who work out at expensive gyms, willingly expose themselves to cancer to make a marginal improvement in the appearance of a virtually hidden square inch of their bodies, is an American conundrum. And take note, President Bush, this is a medical service you can’t get in an emergency room. So far.

One day, perhaps, your lover will whisper, “I adore your blue eyes, red lips, plastic breasts, artfully shaved peri-labial area, and your pearl-white pooper.” A six-million dollar woman? Not quite, but too damn close.

Eventually, of course, some of the medically-whitened community may suffer regret and seek to have the procedure reversed. That would make the pro-brown folks at United Parcel happy because the name might be U.P your butt.

Anal bleaching may also have racial implications. After all, what would a black person do with a white asshole? And wouldn’t it look like a cross-section of a Little Debbie snack cake? On the other hand, some black person is sure to take a bath in hydroquinone and turn white. Probably Little Richard.

I’m sure that as I write this, scientists are looking for a way to make unscented flatulence.

-- Sheki Mbeki --